A blueberry knows
what to do and doesn’t wine
about its sweet end.
I’m having a hard time knowing what I want. It’s not like I can ask around to find my true desires. There is no self help book that can determine my hopes of the future. My mind even seems to get in the way… smdh… My mind SEEMS to be the biggest problem. I’ve been programmed to think a certain way as a cis gendered man. Mostly that to be a man I must provide for your family, marry a woman who is faithful, be the man of the house, put God first, be emotionally strong (aka emotionally rigid and closed off), and to never show your cards (never be vulnerable). Nobody ever told me that I could actually just do what made me feel good. I remember the good ol’ days of being a child… Climbing trees as high as they would hold me, bending the tippy tops to look out at the puget sound. With no cares in the world, my 8 year old self was just figuring out that he could do anything and simultaneously being plotted against by the teaming forces of patriarchy, capitalism, corporatism, social constructs and religion.
They got me ya’ll. They programmed me good. Even stole my memories right out of my own damn head. Now, I’m in self recovery mode… Like when your computer shuts down and you have to reboot in “safe mode”, unable to use all of the functions or applications. Only in this case, I’m finding and remembering my basics, my nature.
FEEL FULLY.
BE HONEST.
LOVE YOURSELF.
TRUST YOUR INTUITION.
TAKE HEALTHY RISKS.
PLAY ALL DAY.
BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH NATURE.
EAT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD.
ENJOY LIFE.
I am ready willing and worthy of my deepest desires, whatever they might be. Until I discover what they are, my safe program is running. Maybe my safe program is all I need. Maybe aspiring to help people, make money, give back and be a CEO philanthropists is all a bunch of story and a part of the deprogramming I need at this time.
All I truly know is that I am the question and I am the answer. All I will ever need resides in me. Everything else is a choice. Then there is death.
King Coconut