Turning the Tide: How Embracing Humility Can Break the Cycle of Violence in Men’s Lives

🌟 Breaking the Cycle: From Humiliation to Healing 🌟

Have you ever felt the raw, searing pain of humiliation? It’s a deeply human experience, rooted in our most primal fears of rejection and failure. Derived from the Latin word “humilis,” meaning “lowly” or “humble,” humiliation originally signified the act of being brought low, closer to the earth, closer to our most vulnerable selves.

🔍 The Violent Response 🔍

For many men, from young teens to mature adults, the sting of humiliation can trigger a destructive cycle. When we feel humiliated, it’s like a direct hit to our self-worth, and our first instinct can be to lash out. Violence, aggression, and anger often become shields against the vulnerability of humiliation. It’s a misguided attempt to reclaim lost power and dignity, but at what cost?

1. Feeling Humiliated: This is not just about feeling uncomfortable. It’s about feeling exposed, diminished, and painfully vulnerable. It’s an internal battle where our pride is wounded and our identity shaken.

2. The Choice to Lash Out: In the face of humiliation, many men choose violence - verbal or physical - as a response. It’s an attempt to cover the pain, to shift the focus from internal turmoil to external dominance. But this only perpetuates suffering and isolation.

🔄 The Path to Humility 🔄

But what if we could break this cycle? Humiliation, when faced with courage and self-awareness, can be a powerful path to true humility. Humility isn’t about weakness; it’s about recognizing our humanity - our flaws and all - and embracing them with compassion.

💪 A New Kind of Strength 💪

Men, it’s time to redefine strength. Real strength lies in facing our humiliating moments with the bravery of open hearts. It’s about turning away from the impulse to be violent and choosing understanding and empathy instead. When we learn from humiliation, we find humility. And in humility, there is the space for healing, growth, and genuine connection.

The tide and the land are humble companions.

✨ Let’s Change the Narrative ✨

I urge you, men of all ages, to share your experiences and break the silence. How has the fear of humiliation shaped your reactions? What have you learned about yourself through these moments? Your story can light the way for others.

Let’s support each other in this journey from humiliation to humility, from hurt to healing. Together, we can transform our most painful moments into our most powerful lessons.

Are we there yet?

There is no finish line. Goals, milestones, achievements, growth... all of it is a journey. Grass doesn’t stop growing when it gets a certain length and roots of trees don’t stop deepening themselves... I’ve lived in fear thinking I would not amount to my highest potential. I use to think (and still think, at times) that I could right my wrongs, overcome, get the money, live my ideal life only to be confused again when non of it feels fulfilling. 

Living the life I love is a never needing journey that takes acceptance of acknowledgment of a practice. What am I centering/ what is the direction I want to go? How am I treating myself? How am I treating my fellow man/planet? How am I doing in all the ways?!  To find the path, we have to stop and check the compass 🧭. Nobody looks at a compass once and finds their way through the wild. I’ve learned that I have to be able to changeable and protective of my journey and not let outside influences take me off course. I do that by course correcting early and often now. 

Happy Malentines Day! I love you!

I recently came across Jeff Perera’s piece on HuffPost about men saying I love you. It was such an affirmation of my own work that I wanted to share it here to always reflect on. I’ve personally been making it a practice to say I love you to the Kings and young Kings in my life more often. It’s had a profound impact on me in multiple ways:

1. It’s helped me understand who my true friends are

2. It’s better informed me about who I feel safe being vulnerable with

3. It’s made it clear to me who I cannot rely on for emotional support

4. It’s given me perspective on the lack of connection we men have to our intimacy

In saying “I Love You”, I’ve experienced that some folks are able to reciprocate the sentiment with pride!, others mumble the words back in hesitation and some some Men are unable to receive my verbal affirmation at all. The most meaningful recipient of my verbalized love has been to my father. He reciprocates the words, and although I know and feel his love, he gets uncharacteristically very small when he repeats the words back to me. As a 6’4” Retired Firefighter, Restaurant Owner and BBQ Sauce Entrepreneur, he is anything but quiet - Side note, don’t interrupt him while he’s talking or he will repeat every word has has already said lol.

It makes me sad to hear him get so quiet when I hear his hesitated “Love you too”’s. He is even more awkward in his response when he is around other men which is another blow to my 8 year old self who longs to be loved by his hero Dad.

All this to say, I Love saying I love you to the people I love. It makes me feel excited, alive, sad, angry, confused and at the end of the day, present. This is a new sensation for me as a Man, Unlearning toxic masculine behaviors. I can only imagine what the world would be like if all of us Men were to FEEL more in our lives. To my Dad, I’ll keep on pushing you to open up. I understand that you are a Man before you are my father. I love you, I love you, I love you!

Happy Malentines Day to all of my fellow Men! Let’s Evolve our Love for one another. I believe that is where our healing lives.

Surrender to action

Get in the ring and get knocked out for once. - Me

Wtf am I doing? I know why I want to work with men and young men. But I’m having trouble synthesizing a offering and trusting that this work brings value. Maybe it’s my fear that I myself want quick value, much like the rest of society. If Kings Compass doesn’t provide quick value, my belief is that it will fail. But what I really want is to create a community, cultivate a deep bond with men of likeness. The goal being to dismantle patriarchy, capitalism, sexual abuse and the dependency of emotional labor on our loved ones.

My limiting/shadow belief is that I don’t know enough to bring the value that I want to provide. Sometimes I think I need to have a PHD just to help people and make a difference. But I do have a PHD in being me, now I need to find the courage to be honest and real with myself and the folks I want to be in community with. But I’m still stuck on some questions that stop me from acting…

Is it groups? Is it speaking engagements? Is it a product? Is it just me being me on social media? All of the above?

Maybe it’s time to untie my hands to stop dodging punches, and start throwing some. (Hyper masculine analogy) lol. 

Reading: Morning, Noon and Night

Life hasn’t always been this way. Growing up, I was used to being shamed for reading by 1 group of “friends” and shamed for not-reading-enough by another. And just two generations ago, my lineage was picking cotton in Louisiana, unable to read or write; held back by fear. The same fear that kept them from learning, and growing and expressing, freely.

Now I read three different books, three times a day to balance my perspective and stretch my curiosity without sacrificing depth.

• Motivation in the morning - “A Year of Conscious Living” by Gay Hendricks

• Self Help Science in the day - “Mindset” by Carol Dweck

• Fiction at night - “Kindred” by Octavia Butler

It’s nice to have the balance of genres. If I read too much Self Help content, I get sick of it! Likewise for any other genre. Keeping a diverse reading pattern makes reading so much more satisfying. Here are some other tips about reading multiple books at once by Adiba Jaigirdar from Bookriot.com…

• Read different books at different places. My favorite place to read is in bed.

• Read through different mediums.

• Read for your mood – not for your TBR list.

• Take all the time you need.

The last one made so much sense to me. I was a slow reader and felt self conscious about it until I realized that it didn’t really matter… I was like “Who tf am I reading this stuff for? Take your time, Jake.” I still read pretty slowly but I enjoy taking my time and fully being present with my reading time. Looking back at all the books I’ve read now, I wonder why I let people shame me as a youngster… Maybe to fit in and create a safe place for myself in the world. I encourage you to not fall in to the “fit in” trap. As Brené Brown said…

“Fitting in is about assessing a situation and becoming who you need to be to be accepted. Belonging, on the other hand, doesn't require us to change who we are; it requires us to be who we are.”

Do what makes you happy and your community will find you. Belonging will find you!

Happy Reading!

Turn On, Deprogram, Reprogram, Turn Off

A blueberry knows

what to do and doesn’t wine

about its sweet end.

---

I’m having a hard time knowing what I want. It’s not like I can ask around to find my true desires. There is no self help book that can determine my hopes of the future. My mind even seems to get in the way… smdh… My mind SEEMS to be the biggest problem. I’ve been programmed to think a certain way as a cis gendered man. Mostly that to be a man I must provide for your family, marry a woman who is faithful, be the man of the house, put God first, be emotionally strong (aka emotionally rigid and closed off), and to never show your cards (never be vulnerable). Nobody ever told me that I could actually just do what made me feel good. I remember the good ol’ days of being a child… Climbing trees as high as they would hold me, bending the tippy tops to look out at the puget sound. With no cares in the world, my 8 year old self was just figuring out that he could do anything and simultaneously being plotted against by the teaming forces of patriarchy, capitalism, corporatism, social constructs and religion.

They got me ya’ll. They programmed me good. Even stole my memories right out of my own damn head. Now, I’m in self recovery mode… Like when your computer shuts down and you have to reboot in “safe mode”, unable to use all of the functions or applications. Only in this case, I’m finding and remembering my basics, my nature.

• FEEL FULLY. 

• BE HONEST. 

• LOVE YOURSELF. 

• TRUST YOUR INTUITION. 

• TAKE HEALTHY RISKS.

• PLAY ALL DAY.

• BE IN RELATIONSHIP WITH NATURE. 

• EAT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL GOOD. 

• ENJOY LIFE.

I am ready willing and worthy of my deepest desires, whatever they might be. Until I discover what they are, my safe program is running. Maybe my safe program is all I need. Maybe aspiring to help people, make money, give back and be a CEO philanthropists is all a bunch of story and a part of the deprogramming I need at this time.

All I truly know is that I am the question and I am the answer. All I will ever need resides in me. Everything else is a choice. Then there is death.

King Coconut

Love

I feel you in the sea breeze 🌬

I hear you in the breaking waves 🌊

I see you in the eagles 🦅 flight

In the distance of the powdered mountain  peaks 🏔

To the horizons golden edge 🌅 

I am with you

I am you, Love ❤️ 

Reflections in the Bay

Sometimes it feels like I’m stuck in one place. As if the oceans current of life keeps moving without me. The reality is, I’ve been blind to that movement. Hypnotized by the distractions of money, news, success, toxic masculinity and unresolved trauma. Sometimes I can’t see myself clearly but that’s where love comes in.

I’m so thankful that I have a person in my life, #myperson, that reminds me of the distance I’ve traveled, who I was and who I have become. I love you @queenandcrow! I can’t wait to marry you. You’re my best friend, biggest fan and most loving critic.

My advice to the world... if you’ve found love. Give your partner the power to change you. Trust them with helping you to become a better person. If they really love you, it’s all they want for you.

Peace

Forged Meditation, Forced

Did you know that horseshoes can be knives? I've seen it done before but, until today, I have never created a hot metal sandwich made of hammer, anvil and half a horseshoe! It was a fathers day treat for me and my Dad. Unable to hear even ourselves over the hammering , I've never felt so close to him. It seems that sometimes words just get in the way of true connection.

The wordless acknowledgment lasted for 3 hours and felt like 10 minutes. There is something to blacksmithing that puts me at ease. I was present. I was awake for each moment. All of my fears disappeared with the first blow and time ceased to exist until the final 3,302nd. God, I forgot how much I appreciate blisters :-) and my Dad.

I'll always remember this blister as the day my father and I forgot about the world together. Thank you, earth, thank you, fire, thank you, water, thank you for holding the space of the complexities that being relationship brings. I'm a new man today. I was a horseshoe that became a knife. I wonder what I'll become tomorrow...

Peace  

PS: Check out Max's knife forging Airbnb Experience. We had a blast!!!

Vulnerability: The fuel for Knowing

I have over $100,000 in student loan debt. Without it, I would have never found myself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not proud of having this debt. Being in debt is shitty and It's my fault for not knowing what questions to ask when I took out those loans. I should have been asking myself what I desired my life to look like, but instead I let my external experience become the locust of control.

1. I never asked myself what I dreamed of becoming.
2. I didn't set clear goals for myself that were rooted in my knowing.
3. Like the wind, the education system, media, peers and family took me in and out of opportunities.
4. I accepted the fact that this was life. My motto was "Go with the flow".

Even now, part of that willingness to be shaped still exists, but it is not what guides my journey anymore. Now I have my own compass that has developed from truly understanding my trauma, my desires, my ideals, my vulnerabilities, my intuition, my power and my spirit. The new motto... "I am what I am".

Financial debt has felt like slavery but not more than living up to other peoples expectations, assumptions and discriminations. I was not myself for far too long. Being in nature to slow down my thoughts brought me clarity that words cannot describe. I am enjoying coming out of my shadows to bath in the sun after all of these years. I'm so grateful for everyone and everything that has shown me who they really are; and I'm thankful for the folks who never had that courage.

Student Loan Debt has taught me that I should never mortgage my choice. There is no price I'd put on my ability to choose the moments I live. This financial trauma had me in a place where I felt like I didn't have space to fail. I felt that I couldn't take a chance to try out a new path. The path was lined by barb wired prison walls made of gold; self imprisonment of the mind and spirit. I now live in the vastness of an ocean, the lushness of a forest trail, the wildness of the jungle. I am abundance in every way and it only took $100,000.

It doesn't need to cost you anything. You can learn from me right now that education is more than school. It is everything. Our body, mind and spirit learn without us even being aware. We are always learning with our planet. Sometimes the best teachers are the ones that make you stand up and say "No. You're wrong."They are the ones that produced the harmful plastics that threaten our oceans and wildlife. Those teachers are the ones that elected the folks in the government that manipulate the people at every turn. Those teachers are the elected folks.

Learn from them. Know that you can make the difference by simply tuning into yourself, recognizing your desires and acting from a grounded place. A place that only you can conceive. That is where creation lies. That is God.

Peace.